What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding that you would offer a close friend or loved one. It’s particularly important for those with shitty life experiences because, often, trauma leaves deep emotional wounds that make it difficult to feel worthy of compassion. For many people, the idea of self-compassion may feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable, especially if you've been conditioned to think that self-criticism is necessary for growth or protection.

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There are three core components to self-compassion:

1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment: Being warm and understanding toward yourself, especially in moments of suffering, failure, or perceived inadequacy, rather than beating yourself up.

2. Common humanity vs. Isolation: Recognising that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience, and that you are not alone in your struggles.

3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification: Holding your thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness, allowing you to observe them without becoming overwhelmed by them.

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Why Self-Compassion is Important for People with Shitty Life Experiences

Living with shitty life experiences often leads to a harsh inner critic, which only deepens feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness. Trauma survivors frequently develop coping mechanisms that involve distancing themselves from their pain, or conversely, becoming overly identified with it. Both of these strategies can fuel negative self-talk and self-judgment.

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Here’s why self-compassion can be transformative:

• Reduces self-blame: Trauma often leaves people blaming themselves for things outside of their control. Self-compassion helps you understand that your trauma was not your fault and allows you to approach your healing with more patience.

• Breaks the cycle of shame: Instead of seeing your vulnerabilities as weaknesses, self-compassion helps you view them as part of being human. This reduces feelings of shame and allows for more acceptance.

• Improves emotional regulation: By being mindful of your emotions and offering yourself kindness, you’re better able to regulate strong feelings that come up during stressful times, rather than spiralling into self-criticism or self-destructive behaviours.

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Practical Ways to Build Self-Compassion

Incorporating self-compassion into your daily life doesn’t happen overnight, especially if it’s something you’ve never practiced before. Here are some practical steps to get started:

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1. Challenge Your Inner Critic

Your inner critic likely tells you things that are harsh, unkind, and unrealistic. Begin to notice when that voice shows up. Instead of accepting it as fact, challenge it:

• Ask yourself: “Would I say this to a close friend going through the same thing?”

• Reframe the criticism: If you catch yourself thinking, “I’m such a failure,” try shifting to, “I’m going through a hard time, but that doesn’t make me a failure.”

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2. Practice Mindful Self-Awareness

Trauma can make it difficult to stay present because the mind often replays past experiences or worries about the future. Mindfulness helps you stay grounded in the present moment, and when combined with self-compassion, it allows you to notice when you’re being hard on yourself without judgment.

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Try this exercise:

• When you notice distressing emotions, pause and label them. For example, “I’m feeling anxious right now.”

• Acknowledge the difficulty: “This is really difficult right now.”

• Follow up with a phrase of self-kindness: “I’m going to be kind to myself right now.”

Use your own words to develop your own.

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3. Develop a Self-Compassionate Phrase

One useful tool is to develop a phrase that you can say to yourself when times are tough. This can be a simple reminder to shift into a more compassionate mindset. Here’s an example: “May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion that I need.”

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Tailor this to fit your situation. Some people find that saying these phrases internally during moments of stress helps them break the cycle of self-criticism.

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4. Engage in Self-Care

Self-compassion is not just about the way you talk to yourself; it’s also about how you treat yourself. Take time for activities that help you recharge and nourish your well-being. This could be something as simple as:

• Setting healthy boundaries in relationships

• Taking time for hobbies or physical activities you enjoy

• Prioritising sleep and healthy eating

• Reaching out for support when you need it, whether from friends, family, or a therapist

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5. Use Journaling to Build Compassion

Although not for everyone, journaling can be an excellent tool for reflecting on your progress in self-compassion. Consider writing about moments where you noticed your inner critic or where you offered yourself kindness instead of judgment.

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You can also try a self-compassion journal prompt such as:

• “What would I say to a friend who is going through this?”

• “How can I treat myself kindly during this experience?”

 

Challenges You May Face

For many, practicing self-compassion may feel uncomfortable at first. Society often tells people that they need to be tough, stoic, and self-reliant. Letting go of these expectations and treating yourself with kindness can feel like a sign of weakness, but it’s actually a sign of emotional strength and resilience.

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You may also find that old habits of self-criticism die hard. That’s okay. Self-compassion is a skill that develops over time, and it’s normal to take two steps forward and one step back.

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Moving Forward

The practice of self-compassion is a powerful tool for healing, especially if you're living with shitty life experiences. It may feel foreign or even uncomfortable at first, but with time, it can help you break free from the cycle of self-criticism and self-blame that trauma often leaves behind. By treating yourself with kindness, you can start to experience the healing power of self-compassion, allowing you to rebuild a healthier and more positive relationship with yourself. You can also see the process as re-parenting yourself.

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If this journey feels overwhelming, remember that you don’t have to go it alone. Working with a therapist who understands trauma and self-compassion can provide additional support and guidance as you continue to grow and heal.