The process, as illustrated, outlines five critical stages in repairing relational ruptures, helping individuals navigate through conflict toward a place of healing and reconnection.

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1. Activation: Recognising the Trigger

The first stage in the cycle is Activation, which typically begins with a rupture—an emotional break or conflict that disrupts the harmony of the relationship.

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What happens during activation?

• Previous experience triggers are often at the root of ruptures, where old wounds resurface, making individuals feel unsafe.

• Fear-based patterns come into play, as the nervous system reacts with survival mechanisms like fight, flight, or freeze.

• People experience dysregulation—a state where emotions feel overwhelming, and they may act out in anger, withdraw, or engage in self-protection to avoid vulnerability.

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In this phase, it’s important to recognise the triggers and understand that these reactions are rooted in past experiences, which may not align with the present situation.

 

2. Stabilisation: Finding Your Ground

After the emotional storm of activation, stabilisation is crucial to calm the nervous system and regain control over your emotional state.

How do you stabilise?

• Inner resourcing: This involves tapping into tools that help you feel grounded and secure, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or simply taking a break to calm down.

• Self-regulation practices: These could include journaling, meditating, or using affirmations to bring yourself back into a balanced state.

• Self-care: Engaging in practices that nurture your physical and emotional well-being, like taking a walk or talking to a trusted friend, is essential.

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Stabilisation is about creating a safe space internally to prepare for deeper emotional work. It allows for more rational and compassionate responses moving forward in the repair process.

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3. Honouring the Pain: Allowing Emotions to Surface

Once stabilised, the next step is to honour the pain that has been triggered by the rupture. This is the emotional work of acknowledging the hurt instead of avoiding or minimising it.

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What does honouring the pain involve?

• Feeling your feelings: Whether it’s grief, anger, sadness, or frustration, it’s crucial to allow yourself to fully experience these emotions rather than suppressing them.

• Noticing sensations: Emotions often manifest physically, such as tightness in the chest or a lump in the throat. By being aware of these sensations, you can better understand how the body is processing emotional pain.

• Allowing and surrendering: The key here is not to push away difficult emotions but to accept them as part of the healing process.

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This phase is about acknowledging that pain is real and valid, and it creates a path for more authentic and open conversations moving forward.

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4. Reflection: Taking Responsibility and Gaining Insight

In the reflection stage, individuals take the time to look back at the conflict, identifying their own patterns of behaviour and how they may have contributed to the rupture.

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Key aspects of reflection:

• Looking at difficult patterns: Often, our current reactions are shaped by unresolved experiences from the past. Reflecting helps to identify these patterns and recognise that not all current conflicts need to be approached with the same survival strategies.

• Leaning into discomfort: This step requires you to sit with the uncomfortable truths about your own behaviour without getting defensive.

• Taking responsibility: A vital part of the repair process is owning your actions. It means recognising where you may have hurt the other person and being accountable for your role in the rupture.

Reflection fosters growth and understanding and sets the stage for the next crucial step in the repair process.

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5. Compassion: Rebuilding Trust and Connection

The final phase is compassion—both for yourself and the other person. This step helps in softening the emotional walls built during the rupture, allowing for reconnection and emotional healing.

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What does compassion involve?

• Self-compassion: It’s important to forgive yourself for the mistakes you may have made in the heat of the moment. Being gentle with yourself can prevent feelings of shame from blocking the repair process.

• Seeing humanity in others: Compassion requires seeing the other person not as your opponent, but as someone who is also struggling and vulnerable. This shift in perspective helps bridge the emotional gap.

• Inner opening and softening: This phase involves lowering defences and approaching the other person with kindness, empathy, and a genuine desire to restore harmony.

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Compassion is where true repair happens—when both parties can approach the situation with openness, forgiveness, and the intention to move forward together.

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