Coercive control

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour in which an individual uses various tactics to dominate and control another person, typically in an intimate or familial relationship. It is a form of psychological abuse that restricts a person’s freedom and autonomy by manipulating their actions, thoughts, and emotions. Coercive control can include a range of strategies designed to maintain dominance, such as:

Isolation: Cutting the victim off from friends, family, or support systems.
Monitoring and surveillance: Keeping constant track of the victim's movements, communications, and interactions.
Emotional manipulation: Gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or using other emotional tactics to undermine the victim's sense of reality or self-worth.
Threats and intimidation: Implying or directly threatening harm to the victim or those close to them.
Economic abuse: Controlling the victim's finances, limiting their ability to work, or forcing financial dependence.
Micro-regulation: Dictating small details of the victim's everyday life, such as what they wear, eat, or how they behave in social settings.

Coercive control often operates in subtle, non-physical ways, making it harder to detect than more overt forms of abuse like physical violence. It erodes the victim’s sense of independence and can have long-term psychological effects. In some legal systems, coercive control has been recognised as a form of domestic abuse and is punishable by law.

The Impact of Coercive Control on the Non-Controlling Partner

The effects of coercive control on the non-controlling partner in an intimate relationship can be devastating, often leading to long-term emotional, psychological, and even physical harm. While the controlling partner’s behaviours may stem from their mental health struggles, such as anxiety, the impact on the person being controlled is profound and multifaceted. Below are the keyways coercive control negatively affects the non-controlling partner.

1. Erosion of Self-Esteem and Identity

One of the most immediate and damaging effects of coercive control is the gradual erosion of the non-controlling partner's self-esteem and sense of identity. As the controlling partner dictates their behaviour, choices, and even thoughts, the non-controlling partner may begin to lose their sense of who they are. Some of the impacts include:

Diminished self-worth: Constantly being monitored or criticised can lead the victim to believe they are inadequate or that they cannot make decisions for themselves.
Loss of autonomy: The non-controlling partner may feel like they no longer have control over their own life, which can lead to feelings of helplessness and dependency on the controlling partner.
Identity crisis: As their partner increasingly controls how they dress, behave, and interact with others, the non-controlling partner may feel as though they are losing their authentic self, leading to an identity crisis over time.

2. Increased Anxiety and Fear

Living under constant surveillance, scrutiny, or emotional manipulation can cause the non-controlling partner to develop chronic anxiety. Even if the controlling partner is not physically violent, the fear of emotional consequences or punishment for not adhering to their expectations can create an environment of fear. This manifests as:

Hypervigilance: The non-controlling partner may become overly alert to potential triggers that might upset the controlling partner, always anticipating criticism or backlash.
Emotional exhaustion: Constantly trying to avoid conflict or appease the controlling partner can leave the victim mentally and emotionally drained.
Fear of retaliation: In some cases, the non-controlling partner may live in fear of retaliation, threats, or emotional outbursts if they try to assert their independence or defy the controlling partner's wishes.

3. Social Isolation

As part of coercive control, the controlling partner often isolates the non-controlling partner from friends, family, and other support networks. This isolation can be direct, such as forbidding them from seeing certain people, or indirect, by guilt-tripping them into avoiding social engagements. Over time, this isolation can cause significant emotional damage:

Loss of support systems: With reduced contact with friends and family, the non-controlling partner may feel completely alone and lack a network to turn to for emotional support or advice.
Difficulty recognizing the abuse: Without outside perspectives, the non-controlling partner may find it hard to recognize the coercive behaviours as abusive, further trapping them in the relationship.
Increased dependency: Isolated from friends and family, the non-controlling partner may become increasingly dependent on the controlling partner, further deepening the cycle of control and manipulation.

4. Mental Health Deterioration

The constant stress and emotional abuse that accompany coercive control can lead to a deterioration in the mental health of the non-controlling partner. They may experience various mental health issues, including:

Depression: Over time, feelings of powerlessness, isolation, and emotional exhaustion can lead to depression, with the non-controlling partner feeling as though there is no way out of the situation.
Anxiety: Living in an environment where they are constantly monitored, criticized, or manipulated can trigger anxiety in the non-controlling partner, particularly as they worry about potential emotional or psychological consequences of their actions.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): In more severe cases, especially if there is a history of emotional or physical abuse, the non-controlling partner may develop symptoms of PTSD, including flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance.

5. Physical Health Consequences

While coercive control is primarily psychological and emotional, the constant stress it produces can also have significant physical effects. Chronic stress has been linked to numerous health problems, and victims of coercive control may experience symptoms such as:

Insomnia: The emotional toll of living in a controlled environment can disrupt sleep patterns, leading to insomnia and fatigue.
Headaches and muscle tension: Anxiety and stress often manifest physically, leading to tension headaches, muscle pain, and other stress-related physical symptoms.
Weakened immune system: Chronic stress can weaken the immune system, making the non-controlling partner more susceptible to illnesses and infections.

6. Difficulty Leaving the Relationship

The combination of isolation, diminished self-esteem, and emotional manipulation can make it extremely difficult for the non-controlling partner to leave the relationship. Coercive control often creates a dependency dynamic where the victim feels trapped, unable to make decisions for themselves or even fear the consequences of trying to leave. Common barriers to leaving include:

Fear of retaliation: The non-controlling partner may fear that the controlling partner will retaliate emotionally or physically if they attempt to leave.
Guilt: The controlling partner may manipulate their mental health condition to guilt-trip the non-controlling partner into staying, making them feel responsible for the partner's well-being.
Financial dependency: If the controlling partner also controls the household finances, the non-controlling partner may feel financially trapped and unable to leave due to a lack of resources.

7. Long-Term Trauma and Trust Issues

Even if the non-controlling partner eventually manages to leave the relationship, the effects of coercive control can linger for years, sometimes resulting in long-term trauma. Survivors of coercive control may struggle with:

Trust issues: After enduring manipulation and control, the non-controlling partner may find it difficult to trust future partners, fearing a repeat of the same controlling behaviours.
Hypervigilance in new relationships: Survivors may be constantly on guard, analysing their partner's behaviours for any signs of controlling tendencies, which can impact their ability to form healthy, secure relationships.
Emotional scars: The emotional and psychological scars left by coercive control can take time to heal, with survivors needing counselling and support to rebuild their self-esteem, sense of independence, and trust in others.

Impact

The impact of coercive control on the non-controlling partner in an intimate relationship can be far-reaching and deeply damaging. While the controlling partner’s behaviour may sometimes stem from mental health conditions like anxiety, the effects on the victim can lead to a loss of autonomy, deteriorating mental and physical health, and long-lasting trauma. Recognizing these signs early and seeking help is crucial for the non-controlling partner to reclaim their freedom, rebuild their self-esteem, and escape the toxic dynamic. It's important to remember that support is available, and breaking free from coercive control is a critical step toward healing and reclaiming one’s life.